Sorry, I’m late…

I apologize to everyone who accidentally have come to read this blog and has seen it hasn’t been updated… I’ve been kinda busy lately… The articles will soon be finished and uploaded… Cheers!

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The Story of the Knight, the Dragon and the Princess

Originally Posted: June 27th, 2007

No, I know what you think, but it’s not the latest of The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lord of the Rings…

You know how the story goes. There’s a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a castle, guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue her… What would happen if this knight behaved as a musician, more precisely as a metal star. To find out, read this:

(in the original version of this post, I had put the link, but it’s in Spanish, so I will translate it, sorry about the mistakes if there are. Anyways the link is http://demonizer.wordpress.com/la-historia-de-la-princesa-en-generos-metal/)

This is how te situation would be handled in each style:

POWER METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle in a winged white horse, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess, they go far away to a paradise-on-Earth and make love.

TRUE/EPIC METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle and beats the dragon in a terrible battle, and raises his sword, bathed in the dragon’s blood, and then makes love to the princess inside the castle

THRASH METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle, fights with grenades and machineguns against the dragon, saves the princess, and then f*cks her from behind.

HEAVY METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle in a  Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, has some beers with the princess and then they do it.

FOLK METAL:
Our hero arrives with some friends playing accordion, pipes, violin and other weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep because of too much dancing and they leave… without the princess

VIKING METAL:
Our hero arrives in an old boat, kills the dragon with an axe, cooks it and eats it. He then rapes the prioncess, raids the castle and sets everything on fire before he leaves.

DEATH METAL:
Our hero arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, beats her to death, and leaves…

BLACK METAL:
He arrives before dawn, in the middle of the fog, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Sodomizes the princess, cuts her with a dagger and drinks her blood in a ritualn ritual. Afterwards he discovers she wasn’t a virgin and impales her next to the dragon.

BRUTAL DEATH:
Our hero kills the princess and fucks the dragon.

GORE METAL:
Arrives, kills the dragon, climbs to the tower, fucks the princess, and kills her. Then he fucks her again, burns her dead body and fucks her again.

DOOM/GOTH METAL:
Reaches the castle, sees the size of the dragon, he gets depressed and he kills himself.
The dragon eats our hero’s body and then the princess.

NU METAL:
Reaches the castle and brags about how good he is at fighting and that he can beat the dragon. He is miserably defeated and is left in pieces. Runs away and finds the princess, he tells her of his tragic childhood. The princess slaps his face, and runs to find the “Heavy Metal” hero. The “Nu” hero, takes a Prozac and goes to record a “The best of…” CD

PROGRESSIVE:
Arrives, plays a virtuous guitar solo for 26 minutes. The dragon dies of boredom. Gets to the princess and plays another solo, exploring all of the techniques of tones and compasses learned last year in conservatory(music school). Princess runs away after the “Heavy Metal” hero.

HARD ROCK:
Reaches the castle in a red convertible with two big-breasted blondes and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Kills the dragon with a knife and then makes an orgy with the blondes and the princess.

GLAM ROCK:
Reaches the castle. The dragon laughs his ass off when he sees him and lets him through. Enters the castle, steals the princess’ varnish and lipstick. Then he convinces the dragon to paint the castle pink, and to highlight his hair.

ROCK N’ ROLL CLÁSICO:
Arrives in a motorcycle, smoking some pot and offers it to the dragon who happens to be his friend. Then camps with the princess in the farther spot of the garden. After a lot of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll he dies of an LSD overdose, drowned in his own puke(ugh).

THOSE THAT COULDN’T BE ABSENT…

PUNK:
Throws a stone at the dragon and runs. Paints the anarchy symbol in a castle’s wall. Makes the princess a “mohawk” and sets a fanzine’s store in a passage of the castle.

SKA:
Our hero arrives joined by 45 ugly high school kids. They face the dragon with their skates. 23 die incinerated, 22 crushed and our hero and the princess, devoured by the dragon…

EMO:
Our hero reaches the castle, shouts at the dragon up to driving him mad. The dragon suicides when he sees life is worthless. The princess can’t hold anymore and suicides as well.

POP:
Our hero arrives dancing in a white suit. The dragon spits fire, and he dies incinerated…

REGGAE:
Our hero never arrives because he’s ‘tripping’

GRUNGE:
Our hero makes the dragon kill himself, the princess rejects our hero and he commits suicide…

HIP-HOP:
Our hero blinds the dragon with his excessive ‘bling’. Then he trades two women shaking their booty for the princess. The dragon accepts. Our hero has regrets and sends for his band to kill the dragon for racist…

RANCHERO:
They serenade the dragon, the princess gets jealous and kills the dragon, and then the ‘rancheros’ kill her.

CUMBIA:
Our hero arrives with 40 of his ‘wey’ s in a minivan, they all with accordions and rum. They get drunk and kill one another.

ELECTRONIC:
They throw a rave party and everybody dies of an overdose.

RUSTY EYE(¿?)
Our hero sues the dragon claiming that he had rights over that princess. Wins the lawsuit and escapes with the princess to LA to seek fame and fortune.

REGGAETON:
Our hero arrives with a convoy of luxury cars and a bunch of celulitic half-naked old ladies in a Hummer. Puts some of the women to dance to the dragon, but as he doesn’t like them, he eats one and dies intoxicated by the silicon in her breasts. Our hero reaches the tower but realizes that the princess had already left with the “Heavy Metal” hero.

BRAZILIAN AXÉ:
Our hero arrives with a whole carnival parade after him, ask the dragon and the princess to go dancing and after 10 days non-stop, both die and our hero leaves dancing with his ‘good vibe’

CUMBIA VILLERA(Sort of salsa(not making comparisons, salsa doesn’t deserve this), from the poor suburbs, with lyrics that generally speak about sex, alcohol, police and crime):
The guys arrive with the cheese graters and the hanging keyboard. The dragon passes out because of the cheap wine stench they have. And the princess comes out with a flamethrower tanker and kills them all.

(I know this may be offensive to some, please take it with humour)

Now, lets keep on fantasizing. Let’s say that this knight is actually a programmer, that has to use the skills he has to beat the dragon… Will he programme a successful aplication?(Kind of geeky, for everyone who likes programming http://demonizer.wordpress.com/la-historia-de-la-princesa-en-lenguajes-de-programacion/)

This is how each language would manage to rescue the princess from the hands of the dragon

  • Java – Gets there, finds the dragon, develops a framework for dragon anihilation in multiple layers, writes several articles about the framework… But doesn’t kill the dragon.
  • .NET – Gets there sees the idea of the Java developer and copies it. Tries to kill the dragon, but the monster eats him.
  • C – Arrives, looks down on the dragon, pulls out his sword, beheads the dragon, finds the princess… And ignores her to see the last checkins of linux’s kernel’s cvs
  • C++ – Creates a basic needle, and gathers funcionalty until he has a complex sword that he can barely understand… He kills the dragon, but gets stuck crossing the bridge because of memory leaks
  • COBOL – Arrives, sees the dragon and thinks that he is too old to kill a monster that big and rescuing the princess, so he leaves
  • Pascal – He prepares for 10 years to create a dragon anihilation system… When the moment comes, he discovers the program can only take lizards as an entry
  • VB – Builds a dragon destruction weapon based on several components, jumps to the back of the dragón and in the most critical time he discovers that the sword only works on rainy nights…
  • PL/SQL – Gets data from other dragon slayers, creates tables with n ternary complexity relations,tridimensional data, OLAP, takes 15 years to process the information… And by then, the princess became a lesbian.
  • Ruby – Arrives with massive fame, saying he is the best at anything and when he faces the dragon, he shows a lame motion picture of himself killing a dragon… The dragon eats him out of boredom.
  • Smalltalk – Arrives, analizes the dragon and princess, turns around and leaves, they are way too inferior
  • shell – Creates a very powerful dragon slaying weapon… But in the moment of truth, he can’t remember how to use it
  • shell(2)– The guy approaches the dragon with a two line script that kills, cuts, disembowels, impales, chops to pieces and packs the beast, but when he runs it the script grows, fattens, irritates and puts alcohol in the fire of the dragon…
  • Assembler – He thinks he’s doing the right and most efficient things… But he writes an A instead of a D and kills the princess to end up fucking the dragon.
  • Fortran – Arrives and develops a 45-thousand-code-line-solution, kills the dragon, meets the princess… But she calls him a weakling and runs after the Java programmer who was elegant and also, rich.
  • FOX PRO – Develops a dragon killing system. It’s gorgeous and works on the outside, but it’s really patched inside, so when he runs the dragon anihilator, he realizes he forgot to index the DBFs.
  • PROCESS ANALYST – Approaches th dragon with two tons of documentation, developed on the unified dragon-killing process, he develops a DFD to free the princess and marry her, convinces the dragon that it’s the best for him and it won’t hurt. When he executes the process, he estimates the effort and the damage he will cause with a plan signed by the Pope, Buddha and Michael Jackson. Then he buys a couple of nukes, 45 cannons, an aircraft carrier and hires 300 heavily armed men… When all he needed was the sword he was holding in his hand in the beginning…
  • CLIPPER: Sets up a routine that loads a codeblock array to insult the dragon, serenade the princess, load the sword in memory, beat the crap out of the dragon, clean the mess, prepare a raspberry milkshake for the princess, make love to her, take a bath, start the car, put it some gas and come back home. When he runs it, he gets a “Bound Error: Array Access” and the dragon eats him with fries.
  • Lisp, where the famous knight-errant, after speaking with numerous experts in dragon-killing, and modeling the knowledge they posess, he programs the system, and when he runs it he realizes he forgot a bracket (bender the offender)
  • HTML: Mounts a web on famous swords used to kill dragons, but he ignores the W3C standards. When he meets the dragon, he finds out the code isn’t compatible with his browser, so he’s left swordless. The dragon eats him as an appetizer.
  • Prolog: Thinks he needs a weapon to kill the dragon. Searches in a catalog for 182014 weapons. By the time the princess dies of her age, he’s achieved to know how to make every weapon starting with A: Atomic Bombs Anti-Air Weapons, Arches, Ammunition,  ra cuando la princesa muere de vieja ya ha logrado descubrir como fabricar todas las armas que empiezan por la A: Armas atómicas, Alabardas,Alfanges, Asesinos contratados, Armas blancas, Antiaéreos, Arcos, AK-47, Axes, Arquebus…
  • PHP: Creates a web page that when he executes it would eliminate the $dragon selecting from a weapons databese in MySQL over an Apache server. Nevertheless he forgot the WHERE in the DELETE query and kills the princess, the dragon, the peasants, the witch, the sorceror and the programmer himself.
  • JavaScript: The programmer tries to kill  the great green dragon that spits fire throug his mouth. He creates a script that will delete the dragon when he loads a webpage, to create seconds after, some damsels to throw him flowers and make clapping sounds. Unfortunately he didn’t take into account the DOM structure of the lizard, also known as Mozilla, and the only thing he gets is to fill his console of errors and that the Book of Mozilla tells how he was devoured.
  • ActiveX: The programmers create a tunnel to enter the dragon’s lair from the castle and run a program that will kil the dragon from a safe and prudential distance. The dragon discovers the tunnel, eats the workers who dug, the dragon slayers, and enslaves every servant in the castle. The castle becomes a dragon-breeding place, full of little dragons that the dragon sends in pop-ups to other castles. The untasty remains of the knights are put in cans of Spam and sent to other castles as well as a warning. (aquelquesiente)
  • Basic. He creates a weapon able to kill paper dragons, but n matter how they improve it, they discover it’s not good enough to kill any dragon bigger than a baby poodle.
  • Matlab: They create a loop that calculates the trayectories to shoot a giant arrow at the dragon. The program works flawlessly. What they need now are the voluntaries caoable to launch tha arrow with the necessary strength and accuracy.
  • Videogame Programmer : Spends 2 years programming a state-of-the-art sword with shaders and all. When the time comes to kill the dragon, he finds that half the knights aren’t strong enough to raise the sword. Then someone programs a patch that reveals the sex scenes with the princess and Hillary Clinton makes him a scandal.

I hope you enjoyed it my friends. Sorry for the mistakes and mistranslations… Cheers!

Thanks to Demonizer(Kevin)for letting me post it, even when I didn’t ask and to Ripper(Rodrigo) for giving me the URL

Exam Hangover…

Orignally posted: June 24th, 2007 

Hi everybody

Today I’m going to talk to you about one of my favourite terms: “Exam Hangover”

Is there life after a test? I imagine it might have happened to more than one of you that when you come out of a test (mid-term, term) the only thing your neurons(brain cells) can process is “I’m so hungry”, “I’m so sleepy” or “The son of a bitch fucked me really hard this time. I’ll have to pass the make-up(test)” The worst thing is that if you try to force more complex thought, your thoughts get blurry… Personal example:

Schoolmate(I think it was Manu): If you are caught cheating, they might suspend you for 2 years

Me: I think in my other school(see I welcome myself…) they do it for 4 semesters(1 semester= 6 months; 6 months x 4 = 2 years

Your will to do anything disappears. Personal tidyness loses all relevance. And everyone who may have seem likeable(or lovable) becomes terribly obnoxious…

This is “exam hangover”. If you ever suffered this, please leave a comment(please, only english or spanish, I don’t speak other languages and I really don’t want to learn swahili(nothing against Tanzanian or Kenyan people, just not interested and it was the first thing to come to my mind)). I’ll keep on studying so I suffer it again on Monday.

See ya whenever I wanna post again

Welcome myself to the blogsphere

Originally posted: June 26th, 2007 12:23 A.M.

Hi Everyone!

I’m a 20-year-old guy who has lived and grown in the city of Córdoba, Argentina. I was born back in 1987 in a traditional city clinic. Twenty years passed by, and here I am, taking my first steps in blogging and stuff…

Let me tell you a couple of things about me. I’m getting a degree in Systems Engineering in my dear UTN(in English, National Technological University) and another one in English Language Translation, in the School of Languages(In case my friends read this: I know it’s not a school, it’s a “facultad”, but I couldn’t find an equivalent since faculty is completely different) of the UNC(National University of Cordoba, not University of North Carolina, even though it would be nice since it’s his airness MJ’s school, but…) which I also love.

I like sports as well. I play golf regularly and I can’t say no to a basketball game every now and then even though I’m officially retired from competition. Anyways, a mix of everything.

I want to start this blog both in English and in Spanish, but I’ll see how long will I keep on with this idea. I’m tired for the day, but I might continue tomorrow… My regards to anyone who bumps into this blog…

Hi everyone!

Probably you know me from my other blog, MyLifeComoEs, where I started writing in English and Spanish in the same posts and then abandoned the idea…

Well, I changed my mind, that’s why I’m opening my new blog in English, separate from the one in Spanish…

 For the moment I’ll just be uploading the translations of my older posts. When I catch up, I’ll start writing new ones. Hope you like this!

Cheers!